I think your advice is superb – I’m taking it! Thanks for sharing. Cheryl

Your dad is along for the ride, unless you and your siblings can arrange assisted living. Could someone from your dad’s church or club give him rides to do/see things to help him maintain mental health? Also, have his meds reviewed if that hasn’t been done.

My mom wanted more than anything to stay in the drivers seat until the very end. My job, as she saw it, was to bring joy into her life and not mess with her decisions. When trouble arose, my brothers and I tried to open up more options. If she was in danger, we took action to improve the outcome. Protecting your parents from harm is important, but a certain amount of letting go is also necessary. All of us are heading toward an inevitable end. How we get there seems to be a mix of the love that surrounds us, the life options available to us, and our choices.

If your mom is truly stubborn, you may not be able to influence her much. But you can share love and caring. Keeping the health benefits of the path of least resistance in mind for yourself may be helpful. Don’t let worry make you ill!

Your other comments are helpful too. I took my parents to see ALL of their doctors during the two weeks I was there and it was a good thing–because I was able to tell the docs the “truth.” And you’re right that my parents didn’t remember that much of what was discussed during the visit. Since the 4 siblings live far from my parents, we need to have some other systems in place–hence the am and pm caregivers we’ve set up. Before a doctor’s visit, I will talk with which ever one is going to take them to the doc and give them a short list of things to ask. They can also report back what was discussed. One doctor also invited me to call his nurse any time. I think that will work well. I should get the nurse’s number for each of the docs now that I think about it. So many things to think about

Thank you for contributing to the knowledge piece and emotional piece we are collecting here in this space. Cheryl

I had an aunt, Aunt Marie, who had cerebral palsy and was in a wheelchair. When she got older and my mother and her other sister got to old to take care of her she went to live in a nursing home.

That wasn’t really a sad occassion…. it was the first time in her life she had a life of her own. She had always lived with my Aunt Emma and her family.

But she had a roommate at the nursing home. Her name was Vi. Vi was in her early 80′s. When you would go visit Aunt Marie ….. Vi would call you over to her side of the room and tell you to fix her bedspread. Well, there was nothing wrong with her bedspread. And Vi didn’t have cognitive difficulties. She would get angry if we said the bedspread looked ok to us.

When you stop to think about it that half of the room in the nursing home is all that Vi had left of her world. Sure she had family and yes they visited her …. But the only thing she had control over in her life was that half of the room.

So we would “fix” her bedspread and Vi would be happy.

I hate to be a spoil-sport (and I could be wrong since I don’t know your parents or the degree of dementia) but I don’t think the list is going to work. Dementia is dementia and one needs a degree of cognitive awareness to follow a list. Even if it’s working now …. it may not work for long. So I would come up with a back up plan now!

I’m wondering….. do you have a list of your parents medications? Could any of the medications your dad is on be contributing to his dementia? Older folks are sometimes very sensitive to pharmaceuticals.

As a nutritionist (I’m one course away from my Masters in holistic nutrition)….. I would suggest your parents eat a whole foods diet…. lots of fresh veggies and fruits and take a good multivitamin (not the grocery store variety). Of course, I know it’s hard to make changes and hard to get our parents to change their way of doing things. But the less food they eat with additives, fake sugars, etc the better for their immune systems and your dads dementia.

It’s TOUGH to not live close to them. I can’t imagine how you’re dealing with that. {{{hugs}}}

Someone does need to go to doc visits with them. So many times when I took my dad to his doc visits he wouldn’t tell the doc everything there was to tell and wouldn’t remember what the doc said.

And yes docs can be the “bad guy” for decisions of making safer living arrangements….. it does sound like your parents should be in assisted living. Those decisions are easier coming from a doc. Older folks are more apt to listen to a doc than to you.

Gotta feel bad for the old folks…… it’s hard to admit you can’t take care of you like you used to ….. and it causes a certain amount of anger when your body lets you down. You know that kind of anger — anger where blame can’t be placed anywhere — usually results in depression. In situations like that it’s good to use “I feel” statements. Such as “I feel sad your arthritis is so painful” …….. I feel statements coming from you will help your parents to talk about how they feel.