Missing in Action

Oct 7th, 2009

I’ve been missing in action again – helping my elderly parents with the transition to “independent” living.  This has been “The Year of The Parent” on the Chinese calendar.  Actually, it’s been more like two years, but who’s counting.

As soon as I get back to normal here at CherylMillerVille, I’ll fire up the blog posts and spread a little more health and happiness around.  Until then, how are you doing?  What’s up in your life?  What’s down in your life?  Leave a comment at the comment link below. 

My wild and Crazy Mother!

Jul 14th, 2009

I keep getting email updates from my sibs about my mother and her amazing journey to move into assisted living with my dad.  She’s 89  and he’s 86.  She just orchestrated a two-day garage sale–sold their new king sized bed, the guest bedroom suit, a whole room full of Ethan Alan furniture, cleared out the overstuffed attic (with hired help), bought a 10 year old Cadillac in excellent shape (she and my dad don’t drive!)  She just wants to have it parked outside their assisted living apartment.  And did you catch it that she’s 89!

Reports are that she’s flying high.  My sister wrote, “She is so giddy and footloose.”  This statement means more when you realize that she’s been a committed packrat and paper hound her entire life and wouldn’t let anybody throw anything out–I mean she’ll fiercely defend her stuff.  Clutter has been on ongoing battle between my mom and dad for their 65 year-long marriage.  Mom always won.  They’ve never parked their car in the garage.  It was stacked 10 feet high with boxes.

My sister and I spent 8 days decluttering (10 hour days) and mom said that really jumpstarted her (plus the recent stroke) and she’s on a fantastic roll.  Help is coming to her from every corner.  When that happens, you know it is meant to be. 

We had hired a moving company at $125/hr to move them but she somehow came upon an Army crew that will do it for free because they’re both World War II vets.  She says that 60 Army men and woman are going to show up at their house on Wednesday morning 9am (tomorrow!) to move them to assisted living.  But we secretly wonder if it’s really 16 and she didn’t hear it right.  She lost her hearing aids so….. we question it.  She also broke off one of her front teeth recently so to look at her, you might discount her as helpless and hopeless.  Well….you’d have to think again because she’s an amazing powerhouse.

We’ve even spent way too much time worrying about them (meds, the move, decluttering, getting an apartment, moving their utilities, getting them off junk mail lists, etc.)  But we need to stop questioning her because she has managed to single handedly mastermind this amazingly complex move.  She’s so busy with the various crews that she doesn’t have time to talk to me without scheduling it!  I just called her and she sounds fabulous – youthful, energized, happy, and powerful!  And that makes me love her even more.  In fact, tears are just now springing to my eyes I love her so much!  I want them to have a chance to kick back and enjoy the newfound freedom (without the clutter) in their new apartment.  I hope it brings them joy and peace and opportunities to be fully who they are. 

I need to get going to my women’s group….and as I wind this story down I’m thinking….Is this story stranger than fiction or what?  My sister wrote “Who is she and what have they done with Freda Miller???”   You’d have to know her to really see what a transformation is occurring.  My mother has been stubborn, resistant, demanding and more….but this stroke really changed her.  I think it made her more powerful, not less.  She’s really in the game.  She’s truly powerful!  She’s totally in command of her life and it’s inspiring.  I wish I was there to see it in person. 

My dad has been the powerhouse until now and my mom quietly spaced out in the background reading, watching HGTV, and putting together slide shows of their trips to Israel, Australia …. to name a few.  Now my dad has dementia, has weakened physically….and my mom is reversing her role as the driver of the family.  I guess this is why we do marriages and partnerships.  We need the help when life takes a turn.  Isn’t this just a grand scheme of things!  I’m high too just thinking about the human spirit.  Aren’t we great!

OK I better quit before I have to get a Kleenex.  I think this is why they say honor your parents … because you never know, really, who they are.

Self-care is the rudder when chaos threatens

Jun 2nd, 2009

Mom’s in rehab recovering from a stroke, dad’s at a nursing home angry that we won’t let him stay alone…..that’s the backdrop for my successful self-care program this week.

Often when the winds of chaos and worry blow in to my life, my self-care routine suffers.  This time it’s been different.  I have a deep belief in the powers of wellness and self-care to heal all wounds…self-care is kind of like the balm of Giliad.  So I’m sticking with it.  It’s my rudder.

When  I get serious about something (like self-care or fitness), I follow through – even when life hands me a little chaos.  And I’ll bet you do too.

Here’s a peek at my fitness routine since Friday.   (Note:  I’ve been walking a dog for years – that hasn’t changed.  That’s my base.  Everything else listed below has been added to provide intensity, cross-training, and strength.)

Friday:  walked Toby 60 minutes, yoga for 35 minutes (felt very virtuous about adding yoga in after years of abstinence)

Saturday:  walked Toby 60 minutes, strength training (lower body) 40 minutes, exercise bike (hills) 10 minutes high intensity, sauna (pooped – went to bed at 8:30 to read; slept hard and long)

Sunday:  strength training (upper body) 40 minutes, water wheel rowing machine 5 minutes (felt like 15 min.), sauna, walked Toby 60 minutes (felt tired and a little stiff but not as tired as Saturday)

Monday:  walked Toby 60 minutes (felt my body needed a break from heavy lifting)

Tuesday:  didn’t do any fitness (raining and had a sketchbook journaling class in the evening)

Wednesday:  will go back to the gym for lower body strength training, exercise bike, and walking Toby. 

Here’s what I’ve been eating:  veggies veggies, veggies….and fruit, fruit, fruit.  Today a colleague joined several of us for lunch so I broke from my healthy eating routine an ordered brisket and fries (oh my!)  If that shocks you…..let me tell you what I had for breakfast and dinner.  For breakfast I had an apple, a fig, 2 prunes, and a small handful of walnuts.  Then for dinner I had a simple vegetable soup I made in minutes – more on that another day.  The point here is there is room for variance from a strictly healthy diet.  I didn’t feel at all guilty because I knew I’d balance it out across the day.

Your Turn:  What been your fitness routine so far this week?  How’s it going?  How’s the healthy eating going?  Any challenges or successes to share?  Please share at the comment link below.

Getting Serious about Fitness (finally!)

May 28th, 2009

The good news is I’m going to provide a free Team Fitness experience for you during the month of June. We’ll blog and comment and find our way to some serious fitness. I’ve been fooling around with fitness for too long, and as a 60-year-old exercise physiologist who coasted through my 50’s, it’s time to get serious again. My walks along the river are no longer enough (understatement).

I’ve got some inspiring stories to tell you and a book to recommend that is guiding my new fitness program–it’s really the bomb! It was published in 2004 and I can’t believe I’ve just recently cracked it open. For me it’s a page turner and is finally getting me off my usual fitness routine and into a healthy aging fitness routine. I’ll tell you about the book in June when I start the new blog series.

Be looking for my email on June 1 – we’ll start gearing up our bodies for healthy, happy living…in this lifetime.

The bad news is that after returning from my aunt’s memorial service in Coldwater, KS, I got a call that my mother had a stroke and my father who has dementia was home alone…so to speak. More on that story here:

So it’s been an unusually hectic week and I don’t have the enthusiasm or energy to write a full-blown newsletter. I’ve been writing the newsletter since 2003 and I think I’ve earned a pass. If you were licking your lips to read the newsletter, visit this link and take your pick of the past issues – I bet you missed at least one of them.

So be looking for an email on June 1 unveiling the new Team Fitness 30-Day Blog series at CherylMillerVille. If you play along with us, it will change the way you age. That’s a big promise I aim to prove.

Want to guess what the book is?  Make your comments (about the book or the topic) at the comment link below.

10 Things Employers Can Do for Caregiving Employees

Jul 29th, 2008

1. Recognize the burden of balancing work and caregiving responsibilities.
2. Adopt a corporate attitude of support for employees who are also caregivers.
3. Ask caregiving employees what they need to meet both of their responsibilities.
4. Educate supervisors about work management strategies for employees who have caregiving responsibilities.
5. Look into a variety of work arrangements to customize a work environment that supports caregiving responsibilities.
6. Review employee benefits package for additional benefits that will support caregiving employees.
7. Connect with community resources to provide information on available services.
8. Add caregiving resource information to your website, your intranet and your pay envelopes.
9. Consider subsidizing the cost of geriatric care management, in-home and adult day care services.
10. Include caregiver fairs with annual enrollment period to provide a wide range of information about available caregiving resources.

Source:
When Employees Become Caregivers, A Manager’s Workbook, available at www.aarp.org.  Published by Centers for Medicare and Medicaid in 2004.  Some information contained in the book may be out of date.

I Should Be Grateful

Jul 22nd, 2008

Mom is chipper – we think it’s because she’s not seeing the seriousness of hers and dad’s situation.  But as my sister and I discussed today, we really should be grateful.  What’s wrong with being cheerful and not seeing how bad (or potentially bad) everything is?  Is it really denial or is it refusal to give in to what appears to be true.  I’m sure you’ve learned as I have that things that appear to be true often aren’t true.  That’s a valuable lesson.

So today I’m grateful that my parents are positive about their lives.  I shudder to imagine if they were perpetually grousing about their aches and pains, fears about the unknown, and dread of facing another day.  In fact, now that I think about their perspective on life, I’m down right chipper! 

Is there anything you wish were different about your parents?  Imagine what they get that’s positive about being who they are.  Share your comments at the comment link below. 

My Secret Weapon: My Spy!

Jul 9th, 2008

I’ve been worrying about my parents taking their medication, sticking to a healthy routine, etc.  I finally stopped long enough to call Wayne–the man who takes care of my parents every morning.  This is part of the system I set up before I left them on their own.   He’s getting along well with them, taking them on errands, making sure their pill boxes are full, making recommendations about getting rid of clutter (family can’t get away with this!), having conversations with my mother, etc. 

It’s working out really well.  They pay him for a couple of hours every morning which stretches into several more hours if they need to get groceries, do errands, or go to the doctor. 

I asked him questions about the various things I was concerned about and he’s on it!  My advice if you/your parents are in the same spot–get a spy!  He’s our “inside man.”  And he genuinely cares about them which is great. 

I know I’ll sleep well tonight!

Needing Space

Jul 8th, 2008

I haven’t posted on this thread for several days.  It occurred to me that after such an intense period of care taking, I needed time off to jump back into my own life.  I needed to get groceries, cook, mow the grass, weed, and clean–all that good stuff that we have to do at home.  Now that I’m caught up on all of that, I can again make a stronger connection with my parents.  I have been talking with them a bit, but without much peace and enthusiasm. 

Can you relate?

Aging Parents Lie

Jul 2nd, 2008

Note regarding “lying”:  I’m calling what we do lying, but it’s difficult to express the softness with which I’m speaking.  I don’t know that there is a word that describes the self-protective elements associated with what we usually call lying.  Just know that there is a touch of humor and compassion beneath the written words.

People often lie to make themselves look better in the eyes of others–this includes parents.  While staying with my parents, I overheard their conversations with my siblings.

A snippet of my dad’s conversation with my sister:

So how was the doctor’s visit Dad?  Oh, nothing out of the ordinary.  Everything is fine.

But I had been a part of that doctor’s visit and this is what was discussed:  the doctor told my dad he had to get on a reduced sleep schedule and not sleep 12 hours every night, plus nap after each daily activity (eating breakfast, reading the paper, and watching CNN).  He recommended that dad find ways to engage his mind and body so he’s not so bored.  He also talked about dad’s heart condition (heart failure) and his recommendation for them to consider assisted living.  The visit lasted 45 minutes!  I had primed the doc before he saw my parents.  He agreed to be “the bad guy.” 

My mom was thrilled that the doctor told my dad to get up earlier in the morning because his sleeping until 11 or later really messed up their routine.  That’s one reason they hired Wayne and asked him to come at 9:30am.  The thinking was that a morning care giver visit would help regulate Dad’s morning sleep schedule.  But here’s another “lie”–my mom is the one with the weird sleep pattern.  In fact, the first day Wayne came, my dad was up and ready and my mother was still sleeping.  Her habit is to sleep when she darn well pleases.  If she doesn’t sleep well one night, she’ll take a 4-5 hour nap the next day.  Try creating a regular schedule around that sleep routine! Truth be told, this is a pattern I could naturally fall in to if I allowed myself to be that “flexible.”  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Wayne also squealed to me (in an email) that my dad missed taking his meds on Sunday.  When I talked to my parents last night I asked how Dad was doing taking his meds.  Mom said “great!” 

I think they’re “lying” for two reasons:  they don’t like the “truth” and they’re trying to keep us from butting in.  Oh, and because of my dad’s dementia, he just forgets!

So why did I write all of that?  I guess it’s to shine the light on part of what worries me.  When caring for aging parents at great distances–I’m in Kansas and they’re in North Carolina–not knowing if they’re telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, adds a layer of worry.  But this worry is MY problem.  Any suggestions?

End note:  Funny thing – just thinking about this topic has brought me new insights and peace.  I’ve found a way to put this aging process into perspective (at least for now) so I’ve been sleeping much better and worrying less. 

Waking Up Worried

Jul 1st, 2008

Normally, I’m a really good sleeper.  My motto is “sleep, sleep, sleep”  that is until I spent two weeks trying to set up health and safety processes for my aging parents.  As fast as I could set them up, they shifted or disappeared. 

My mother is like a ferret–she takes things from one place and moves them to another for no apparent reason.  So the prescription medicine that was in the pill box gets moved to the table in front of my father who grabs it to take one–just because he’s a man of action and it’s there for him to do. 

One of my spies (the morning care giver we hired) emailed me to say that my dad didn’t take any of his medication on Sunday.  He mentioned this to my mother who said she’d take more care reminding him.  That will last about a day.

If I hadn’t stayed at their house these past two weeks, I wouldn’t have had this first-hand knowledge about these kinds of safety hazards.  So I wake up most mornings (early!) worried about them.  This morning I woke up thinking about making a checklist (thanks for the idea Aydan!) for my dad to keep track of his “to dos.”  I think he’d like a list since one of his biggest challenges is dementia. 

The list will include:  eat breakfast, take AM pills for the current day, take a short walk, eat lunch, eat dinner, take PM pills.  Anything else I should add? 

My question for you is, how do we keep from worrying so much about our aging parents?  Click the comment link below and share your thoughts and experiences.